Join your oldest pal and matey – ooooooooold skip – for a journey through moribund music, ghoulish games and terrifying TV in what promises to be the scariest edition of the House of Horrors to date.

4.00 Barney’s Halloween Party
What better way to start the show than an hour of indoctrination by purple corporate scumosaurus Barney?

5.00 Arthur’s Scary Stories
Everyone’s favourite anthropomorphic aardvark joins his friends for some halloween hijinks in this horrifying VHS.

5.40 Fat Albert’s Halloween Special (1977)
Serial wrong-un Bill Cosby stars as the morbidly obese leader of the Junkyard Gang. AAVE summa that ya biffa!

6.05 The Elvira Show
Cassandra Peterson stars as Elvira in the ill-fated 1993 pilot for a TV series that never materialised.

6.35 WWF Prime Time (30.10.89)
We join Rowdy Roddy Piper, Gorilla Monsoon and Bobby ‘The Brain’ Heenan for some ghoulish grappling.

7.05 Halloween Safety
In these two PSAs from 1977 and 1985 respectively, Centron Educational Films tell us all about the dangers lurking in the shadows during spooky season.

7.40 Alone in the Dark (2005)
As everybody knows, video game movie adaptations are uniformly great – so we should be in for a treat as Christian Slater and Stephen Dorff team up with The Crow: Wicked Prayer star Tara Reid as a group of paranormal investigators who must stand alone – in the dark – against a spooky entity.

The film will finish around 9.30; at this point we might do some gaming, music or a suggest-your-own scary video stream. The terror never ends!*

*Until I go to bed